Some words for today:

Things that matter to you are important

I would like to add a quick note. I've realized over some months that I am a fear-driven person for the most part - for example, the underlying reason I watch what I eat and exercise is because I fear looking unattractive, not because I so desire to be healthy from the inside. Health is a benefit, but avoiding a potential negative is the bigger thing. Avoiding the bad stuff rather than working to experience the good stuff.

One of my many fears in coming over here was how I would explain Trump. Not that I would be able to explain it, but how would I get out of a sticky situation in which a foreigner is mad at me for the political decisions my country has made? Our latest taxi driver asked about it, we discussed, and I expressed my thoughts, understandings, and emotions on the topic, as he his own. It is topic for much discussion; so much. But I wasn't being blamed. And that was great. Fear: confronted!

Figuring it all out

My London excursion is off to a bustling start. After four work days came the weekend, and with it a chance to explore this beautiful city and get some logistical paperwork errandy things out of the way. Errands were a nuisance. Let's not linger too long on it; we were directed to a "dodgier" area of town to get a card that allows us to stay here and had numerous (7? I lost count) snafus on the bus system. We just got unlucky; one driver told us the bus was unwell and she's not taking it anywhere. "I'm not going anywhere, it's not well!" She kept saying. Then we got going and went in the wrong direction, which led to us doing a U-Turn on one of the less narrow London roads. Community involvement was required, and the back of the bus was helpful in assisting with avoiding the sidewalk. It was a scene. But, after a few more transfers and wrong turns, we got safely back.

We ventured out to Trafalgar Square! Our other errands (get a phone plan, go to the bank) were thwarted by this and that reason, so we weren't equipped with proper navigation, but did just fine without.

Our dinner was at an Italian restaurant L'ulivo. I ordered spaghetti bolognese and a green salad with house wine. Overall very tasty, spag bol was forgettable, but I think I knew it would be going in. Not every meal is going to be the best of my life, and this one was pretty good. Pierre and I had discussed the essence of French snobbery the other night, in that it is more or less finding what you like and pursuing it. On work, his advice was "Just be yourself. That is the most important part."

London has shown itself to be a visitor-friendly city by its grid-like outline and comprehensible tube system. When we have trouble, we've done well asking the people around us. All good things.

I expected myself to have more ambition for this lazy Sunday, but so far I've made the tortellini on the stove top (which I got to work successfully!) and tried to do a laundry. Laundry was washed with equal parts dish detergent and laundry detergent, so it is extra sparkling clean. Presently I'm awaiting the dryer cycle to actually finish drying the clothes -- the washer/dryer and I are off to a rocky start, but I think we are starting to see eye to eye.

The apartment provided us with all of the manuals for the appliances, except, that is, for any manuals for appliances that have functions you might not know how to work. There is a manual for the refrigerator, toaster, microwave... Not the foreign stove top or washer/dryer which are all new to us. Fortunately the internet has been good blessing us with videos. God bless YouTube!

What's in store for the rest of the day? Nails maybe? Definitely working out once the dryer is complete. I've finally "moved in" and organized my belongings into the closet and drawers such that I am no longer living out of and falling over my suitcases. This is nice.

I don't know about you {there's no possible way I could}, but I am very self conscious. In college I was encouraged by my big brother to kill that part of my brain, advice I relished even though that's basically impossible. In psych 100 (Fall '07 .... faint from realizing age) we learn about id, ego, and superego, and if it wasn't already clear, you are made aware of the value of self awareness and self consciousness. Respecting the wishes of others, not offending them, letting others live, these are the basic principles of my generation - and probably every generation. But when you let the popular kids dictate your every move {even if that's all in your mind}, or the fear/judgment of society, or the idea that some nebulous body of peers will look upon you unfavorably for performing or not performing whatever action, you live a little bit less. Maybe. I think. Well maybe others don't, but I think I live a little less. I think this is more or less the Rebel Factory that became of was the social milieu leading up to the hippie generation. My dad comes to mind, but he's not a hippie. He is a rebel. He felt so constrained and held down by his strict upbringing that he's spent the greater part of his adulthood trying to unwind, undo the damage and figure himself out.

I'm very fortunate to have grown up in a much more understanding and reasonable time, much less constrained environment, and with parents who considered my opinions. My dad says everything is negotiable. We aren't born negotiators per se, but it is a skill worth looking into as the advantages of strong negotiating skills seem like some of the best for cheapest cost (effort.) My hang ups are, for the most part, self-imposed internal freak outs and paranoia about this and that. In high school I was navigating the process of getting good grades and having to earn them, a process everyone should or does eventually go through. I had high standards for college - Columbia University or bust, and this started from around the end of 8th grade. Spoiler alert: I did not go there, did not even apply. My grades and also bank account are ..... it was a delusion, but a pleasant delusion at the time. I became so tightly wound about school and grades that I remember I got really sick in the wintertime and wouldn't allow myself to take a sick day. I was obsessing over the idea of perfect attendance and fearing that missing a class meant falling behind and may do irreparable damage (Columbia would never forgive.)

When I mention this to friends nowadays, I almost always hear that it sounds like "a completely different person." I burned myself out a bit, and recognized it wasn't really ... what's the word, worth it? But if the pendulum swings too far in the other direction, I think that's a recipe for a potential issue. I tried hard in college, but not nearly as much ass busting as 9th-10th-11th grade. It's funny, too, because looking back I know I spent way, way more collective hours working hard for college projects and essays and exams (they were HARD), but the stress level just wasn't nearly as high. I was still stressed, but I wasn't panicking about it. It sounds like a step in a healthy direction, but results were average and I definitely feel that if I had ventured to panic like the old days, I might have had a graduating GPA higher than I did. But at what cost? (Has a 3.2 held me back? Maybe, I don't know.)

I was thinking this morning about my relationship with makeup; it's one I don't know exactly how to define, but I can describe. I have a big make up collection. When a friend of mine passed away sophomore year in college, I reevaluated my life and strongly considered dropping out to pursue makeup artistry. I like the idea of making people feel beautiful. But, I take significant issue with the industry as well, and the messages behind it. Mostly this is the idea that women automatically have an uglier face than men. I just do not understand. Or I understand, but I hate it. And I do not accept it as reality. When younger girls want to wear it, they are told  they don't really "need" it, implying that as you age, you will need it. Your face gets uglier and you need to put a layer of protection so that 1- we don't have to deal with it and 2- your career and by extension LIFE don't get delayed or back burnered or whathaveyou by strangers who see you as ugly. I go back and forth on this, because there are actual books you can buy that have researched the topic of beauty on your career. They have titles like, Beauty Pays. And I guess it's true, if you dress the part or dress for success (including ya face) you get to get ahead. But I don't think it should be a requirement.

This could last forever but I'll truncate; I don't only put on makeup to hide my ugly face. I also like the artistry. I like doing it, feel more confident. Some men will tell you you shouldn't wear it or look better without it, and you can do with this what you want --- the biggest thing in my mind is that it's really up to the person (oh and also makeup is not only for women, apologies for writing in a limited way. I'm speaking from my direct experience, but by no means is that the only experience.)  Anyway so for a few years I've been wearing basically none, but we got to London and I'm kind of on it again. I'm enjoying it and I feel more confident, and this is a place where I could benefit from a boost, since everything else is brand new and literally foreign. (But in English, and believe it or not the tube is much simpler than expected, so not everything has been hard.)

Anyway I think I've been going through a similar process to my dad and probably will be for life, whereby I try to undo the pressure I feel from external -- though it may be internal as well, or even moreso than it is external, 'perceived external' if you will. His is a bit more extreme, much more rigid upbringing of course, but mine is present nevertheless. The story could be a book of "why we rebel" -- because truthfully we're not leather jacket wearing, we're just questioners to the extreme who prefer to do things for their own reasons. I have much more of a dose of the obliger in me than my pop, but I think in growing up I've put mental effort forth to rework and make sure that behaviors and actions align with my own internal standards.

For me it is all in context of a workplace that enables you to pick a project 'because you want to' and basically just hopes that you do an amazing job. The reasoning behind it is that with that creative liberty, people actually put in more. I can't stop thinking about this concept... same with my normal corporate workplace where I think I might subconsciously believe you need to wear makeup, and I so thoroughly disagree with it that I can't bring myself to participate. It may seem trivial, but it occupies a good deal of my underlying thoughts, so maybe worth sharing.


Anyway, got to go eat, and then learn to drive on the left side of the road.

Well hello again!

Well it's been awhile and I've switched jobs since my last post four, no, five ?! years ago. To keep the posts on theme, I will ensure the new ones share at least one "good" idea, but really this is a subjective read from my own personal experience, so as always, your mileage may vary and what works for me may not work for you. What I'm saying is, and this may shock you, not everything I post will be a good idea. In fact mostly bad ideas, probably.

Anyhoo, I'd like to pick this up to chronicle my journeys and experiences living abroad in London. Yes, London! I've moved this past Monday March 6 (or 6 March) and have begun a fascinating new career (for 1 year) at a London office for my company. Of course I am concerned with talking about work in any form {in writing} {publicly}, so that will likely not be the topic of conversation often, but it seems necessary for context on upcoming material. For example, "why are you in London?" might be a question you'd otherwise ask. 

I am so excited to be here. 

My experiences so far (over the course of the past 3 days) have encouraged me to think a lot about motivation. Long ago I owned a copy of Gretchen Rubin's 

* Good idea: not typing so loudly everyone around you wonders wtf you're doing. Esp when new at a new job... But sometimes the keyboard is such that......... sorry everybody.

...Gretchen Rubin's Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits--to Sleep More, Quit Sugar, Procrastinate Less, and Generally Build a Happier Life. In a nutshell, the point is that motivation is a myth and we must turn our desired behaviors into habits so that there is significantly less questioning and decision making and therefore strain on the mind deciding whether or not to, for example, exercise. Or eat healthy, or .... anything. Streamlining processes within our own minds and therefore brainwashing ourselves to robotically (apparently not a word in the UK?) attend the gym so that we are not exhausted by our own internal combat over whether or not it is worth it. Brainwashing sounds bad, but conditioning yourself to do things you want to do ultimately can be helpful. 

I'll try to be brief. She divides humans into four categories of habit makers/decision makers. Questioners, Obligers, 

*typing on keyboard on laptop is quieter, try that for a good idea

...Questioners, Obligers, Rebels, and Upholders. The author herself is an upholder but finds this is one of the rare ones, as is Rebel. I'm going to skip those for time (look it up or read the book!) I've been meditating a bunch on the idea of the Obliger: a person who does a task because of external pressure. Naturally, they oblige others. They workout because of external pressure, I think wake up early because they would look bad if they didn't, that sort of thing. Very conscious of the opinions of others, and therefore driven by them. Questioners, on the other hand, hold things to internal standards. I am a questioner. Why are we doing this? What is the benefit? What will we miss by not doing it? May sound like a lazy person's thought pattern (yes) but it is also helpful for staying on task and keeping everyone aware of what the end game is. 

The idea of doing things for your reasons versus doing things for other people's reasons stands out to me as I transition to life in the UK. There are many differences at work. A big one is that there is no badge-in tracker, nothing that emails your boss if you happen to swipe at 9:00:01. The work week is in fact longer, but people appear (on the whole) to work longer hours than that, and yet are very happy and productive. This is of course an overgeneralization - how could it not be. But it seems like, if you trust people and expect them to do good, they overperform (on the whole.) If you expect people to take advantage of you, and as such you implement systems that make them feel untrustworthy, they act accordingly. I'm still getting used to the idea and I'm sure there are nuances I haven't considered, but this appears to be the trend... and it is new to me. This is in no way intended to be negative about one system over another, but rather an observation in human behavior in response to different sets of stimuli.

This makes me think about doing things because you have to versus doing things because you want to. There is a South Park line that has resonated in my mind for the past decade - "whatever, whatever I do what I want." I have completely forgotten the context - at this point context is more or less irrelevant. I am not always as in-your-face about my desire to do what I want, but I am sometimes, and I can say with certainty that I always want to do whatever I want. Who doesn't? So I identify with this line a lot even though it is satirical/meant to make fun of the speaker. 

But the results here appear to be that, if you let people do what they want (with regard to entry/leave time, and dress code, and probably other things), they have control and are therefore happier and feel trusted and therefore are harder workers. It would be difficult to scientifically prove the correlation in a numbers-driven way, but I have to imagine there is work on the subject with regard to work happiness. 

There is no one-size-fits-all method with humans. We are all snowflakes, after all. These are just some thoughts that have been steeping in my brain for a few days as I make a transition. 

*Of course, The opinions I express here are my own and not necessarily that of my employer. But you already knew that.