I don't know about you {there's no possible way I could}, but I am very self conscious. In college I was encouraged by my big brother to kill that part of my brain, advice I relished even though that's basically impossible. In psych 100 (Fall '07 .... faint from realizing age) we learn about id, ego, and superego, and if it wasn't already clear, you are made aware of the value of self awareness and self consciousness. Respecting the wishes of others, not offending them, letting others live, these are the basic principles of my generation - and probably every generation. But when you let the popular kids dictate your every move {even if that's all in your mind}, or the fear/judgment of society, or the idea that some nebulous body of peers will look upon you unfavorably for performing or not performing whatever action, you live a little bit less. Maybe. I think. Well maybe others don't, but I think I live a little less. I think this is more or less the Rebel Factory that became of was the social milieu leading up to the hippie generation. My dad comes to mind, but he's not a hippie. He is a rebel. He felt so constrained and held down by his strict upbringing that he's spent the greater part of his adulthood trying to unwind, undo the damage and figure himself out.

I'm very fortunate to have grown up in a much more understanding and reasonable time, much less constrained environment, and with parents who considered my opinions. My dad says everything is negotiable. We aren't born negotiators per se, but it is a skill worth looking into as the advantages of strong negotiating skills seem like some of the best for cheapest cost (effort.) My hang ups are, for the most part, self-imposed internal freak outs and paranoia about this and that. In high school I was navigating the process of getting good grades and having to earn them, a process everyone should or does eventually go through. I had high standards for college - Columbia University or bust, and this started from around the end of 8th grade. Spoiler alert: I did not go there, did not even apply. My grades and also bank account are ..... it was a delusion, but a pleasant delusion at the time. I became so tightly wound about school and grades that I remember I got really sick in the wintertime and wouldn't allow myself to take a sick day. I was obsessing over the idea of perfect attendance and fearing that missing a class meant falling behind and may do irreparable damage (Columbia would never forgive.)

When I mention this to friends nowadays, I almost always hear that it sounds like "a completely different person." I burned myself out a bit, and recognized it wasn't really ... what's the word, worth it? But if the pendulum swings too far in the other direction, I think that's a recipe for a potential issue. I tried hard in college, but not nearly as much ass busting as 9th-10th-11th grade. It's funny, too, because looking back I know I spent way, way more collective hours working hard for college projects and essays and exams (they were HARD), but the stress level just wasn't nearly as high. I was still stressed, but I wasn't panicking about it. It sounds like a step in a healthy direction, but results were average and I definitely feel that if I had ventured to panic like the old days, I might have had a graduating GPA higher than I did. But at what cost? (Has a 3.2 held me back? Maybe, I don't know.)

I was thinking this morning about my relationship with makeup; it's one I don't know exactly how to define, but I can describe. I have a big make up collection. When a friend of mine passed away sophomore year in college, I reevaluated my life and strongly considered dropping out to pursue makeup artistry. I like the idea of making people feel beautiful. But, I take significant issue with the industry as well, and the messages behind it. Mostly this is the idea that women automatically have an uglier face than men. I just do not understand. Or I understand, but I hate it. And I do not accept it as reality. When younger girls want to wear it, they are told  they don't really "need" it, implying that as you age, you will need it. Your face gets uglier and you need to put a layer of protection so that 1- we don't have to deal with it and 2- your career and by extension LIFE don't get delayed or back burnered or whathaveyou by strangers who see you as ugly. I go back and forth on this, because there are actual books you can buy that have researched the topic of beauty on your career. They have titles like, Beauty Pays. And I guess it's true, if you dress the part or dress for success (including ya face) you get to get ahead. But I don't think it should be a requirement.

This could last forever but I'll truncate; I don't only put on makeup to hide my ugly face. I also like the artistry. I like doing it, feel more confident. Some men will tell you you shouldn't wear it or look better without it, and you can do with this what you want --- the biggest thing in my mind is that it's really up to the person (oh and also makeup is not only for women, apologies for writing in a limited way. I'm speaking from my direct experience, but by no means is that the only experience.)  Anyway so for a few years I've been wearing basically none, but we got to London and I'm kind of on it again. I'm enjoying it and I feel more confident, and this is a place where I could benefit from a boost, since everything else is brand new and literally foreign. (But in English, and believe it or not the tube is much simpler than expected, so not everything has been hard.)

Anyway I think I've been going through a similar process to my dad and probably will be for life, whereby I try to undo the pressure I feel from external -- though it may be internal as well, or even moreso than it is external, 'perceived external' if you will. His is a bit more extreme, much more rigid upbringing of course, but mine is present nevertheless. The story could be a book of "why we rebel" -- because truthfully we're not leather jacket wearing, we're just questioners to the extreme who prefer to do things for their own reasons. I have much more of a dose of the obliger in me than my pop, but I think in growing up I've put mental effort forth to rework and make sure that behaviors and actions align with my own internal standards.

For me it is all in context of a workplace that enables you to pick a project 'because you want to' and basically just hopes that you do an amazing job. The reasoning behind it is that with that creative liberty, people actually put in more. I can't stop thinking about this concept... same with my normal corporate workplace where I think I might subconsciously believe you need to wear makeup, and I so thoroughly disagree with it that I can't bring myself to participate. It may seem trivial, but it occupies a good deal of my underlying thoughts, so maybe worth sharing.


Anyway, got to go eat, and then learn to drive on the left side of the road.